Train Of Thought
by Leviathan Castiel
Summary: Deans feeling neglected/lonely. He's worried about cas too. Set somewhere in the fifth/sixth season. Oh and btw the ellipses(...) are because it's a pause in his train of thought not a transition. Just so's you know. :) slight destiel... Guilty. Rated T for mild language. [ooh! And sorry bout the dialogue. It's still kinda rough. Reviews are welcome!]


Does cas realize what he does to me?  
No.  
He doesn't.  
That's why he does it.  
He doesn't realize how much I...  
Care about him?  
Want him?  
Hope he knows?  
Like him?

Love him?  
Does he know how much I want him to just hold my hand?  
Or just touch me?  
Or...

Doesn't he see how much I want it?  
Doesn't he get how much I'm willing to give up for him?  
My reputation.  
My heart.  
My dreams.  
My thoughts.  
My body.  
I can never fully appreciate what he did for me.  
He's given me everything.  
I mean he went to Hell for me.  
He's saved me...  
Countless times.  
Yet I can barely give him anything.  
I'm giving him my soul though.  
My being.  
My life.  
My love.  
And he doesn't even seem to give a damn.  
Maybe he doesn't care like I thought he did.  
Maybe he was just doing it for God.  
Maybe he doesn't even like me.  
Maybe he thinks I'm annoying.  
Maybe he hates me.  
No.  
Nonononono.  
He can't.  
Can he?  
Oh god. Now it won't stop.  
He's barely around any more.  
He never stays long anymore.  
He never touches me.  
Barely talks to me.  
He... Might... Just... Hate me?  
Maybe he realized how horrible I am.  
Maybe he doesn't want to know me.  
Maybe he wishes he'd never met me.  
Maybe he wishes I was still rotting in Hell with Alastair.  
Maybe its because I'm too human.  
Because I'm too bad for him.  
Because I'm too influential on him.  
Because I'm too angry.  
Because I'm too emotional.  
Because I'm too broken.  
Because I'm too empty.  
Because I'm too messed up.  
Maybe Cas realized how worthless I am.  
Maybe he just figured out I am nothing compared to him.  
Maybe he fell in love with another angel.  
Maybe he's forgotten who I am and now I'm just a name from Hell.  
Maybe he realized how desperate I am.  
For something I can hold on to.  
And it creeped him out.  
Maybe he thought my life was weird.  
Maybe he just doesn't want to be around me.  
Maybe he likes Sam better.  
No.  
I'll kill Sam.

No I won't.  
Especially if Cas is happy.  
And Sam is too.  
But if he is...

Cas?  
Can you hear me?  
I... Know I'm messed up.  
I know I'm horrible.  
I'm nothing.  
I'm human.  
I'm mortal.  
I'm stupid.  
I'm flawed.  
I'm naive.  
I'm lost.  
I'm scared Cas.

I really miss you.  
And well...  
Why aren't you here?  
Don't we have some sort of profound bond or something?  
Are you saving some other righteous man from perdition?  
And growling at him that you gripped him tight and raised him from perdition?  
Making more 'profound bonds'?  
Are you with your angel buddies laughing at me?  
Are you laughing at me?  
Are you with Sammy?  
Cas?  
Please... Don't...  
Don't be with him...  
If you are... Or even if you aren't.  
Please...  
Just...  
Be careful.

...  
Don't leave me here alone cas.  
Everyone leaves.  
Even Sam.  
He's gone now.  
I don't know where he is.  
He might even be dead.  
You are all I have left.  
God Cas, I'm worthless.  
You deserve so much better.  
But don't...  
Don't leave me here alone.  
I need you.  
Your blue eyes.  
Your messed up hair.  
Your trench coat.  
Your smart ass angelic talk.  
Cas.  
I need you.  
Don't leave me.  
Please.  
I...  
Whatever I did cas, I'm sorry.  
I really am.

...

Where are you?  
You're supposed to show up Cas.  
Cas?

...  
Are you dead?  
Please please please don't be dead.  
No.  
Are you?  
Just pop in for a sec.  
Please?  
Lemme see you're still okay.  
Goddamnit cas  
You're scaring me.  
No.  
Castiel?  
Where are you?  
Are you... Okay?  
Are you with someone else?  
Have you seen Sam?  
Do you know where he is?  
Is he okay?

...

...  
Cas?  
Bud?  
Are you mad at me?

...

I just want to talk.  
With someone.  
Sams gone cas.  
Bobby's dead.  
Dads dead.  
Everyone is dead.  
Or gone.  
I...  
I need you...  
"Dean?"  
Oh god cas. I'm going crazy.  
I'm imagining you.  
Well at least your voice.  
You're not coming.  
Why would you?  
I'm nothing.  
I'm worthless.  
I'm-  
Cas?  
"Dean? You called? I didn't mean to ignore you. I was... Preoccupied."  
"Cas?"  
"Yes?"  
You're here cas.  
You're not dead.  
You're okay.  
You and your trench-coated ass.  
And your blue eyes and messy hair.  
"You... You're here."  
"Yes Dean. As I said before-"  
I'm sorry Cas.  
I never thought I'd need a hug this badly.  
Super chick-flicky of me... I know.  
I never thought I could miss the way someone smelled.  
But I do.  
I missed the way you smelled like rain, and sun, and warmth, and life and rebellion and heaven and awkwardness and coffee in the morning and twenty bucks in my pocket and happiness and confusion and oh god you smell like home.  
God, half of those aren't even real smells.  
And I know...  
Personal space...  
I really just needed to hold on to something.  
Someone.  
Someone who still cares.  
Who's still here.  
"Dean?"  
"Yeah cas?"  
"I apologize. For... Ignoring your prayer. I realize now how urgent it was. I do not hate you though Dean. Contrary to your belief."  
With your arms around me,  
Your hair in my face,  
Your face in my hair,  
Your voice cutting through this hell...  
Hell, I'll believe anything you say.  
"I was not with another righteous man I gripped tight and raised from perdition, for there is only one."  
"You heard all of it?"  
"Yes."  
I want to pull away.  
I guess having you listen to me begging is...  
Well...  
Uncomfortable...  
"You did not shy away from begging when I pulled you from the bowels of hell."  
I really wish I could glare at you  
But I...  
I can't.  
"Don't leave me Cas. Please. I can't... Sam he... And then you... And..."  
"I'm not going anywhere Dean."


End file.
